high 5 to mid-life

Photo by Brian English

May 5, 2015

My life has been a long scenic, sometimes bumpy, detour to right now. And it has been an extraordinary ride! By extraordinary, I mean I am living a life no one else is living but me. [Yes, you too are extraordinary!]  I am mid-life [not old], reflective [wise] and introspective [holy sh*t, what next?].

Today, 5/5/15, on a day full of 5’s, I reflect on 5 areas of my life.

Motherhood
I am a mother, though motherhood does not define me. My boys, a teen and a tween, are less than 10 years from leaving me with an empty nest. Their upcoming teen years, and the challenges therein, is our home stretch of building memories together. I want to flood them with shared memories so that I will forever pop up in their minds and hearts when they least expect it… and prompt weekly [at least] phone calls and even more frequent texts [let me dream].

The boys will transition to be independent young men at the same time I will transition to a life where they will no longer be the primary focus of my day to day. This thought both excites me [more travel! no cluttered rooms! quiet house!] and saddens me [they will forget me! I’ll never hear from them!]. That said, I am confident the empty nest will not be accompanied by an empty heart.

Marriage/Divorce
Four years ago, my 10 year marriage ended. It was, and still is, the most difficult decision I ever had to face. There was no major drama that resulted in a smack-down, throw-down of a divorce. In fact, our amicable, friendly divorce was considered a role model of how to “do it right” by others who experienced divorce or were about to be divorced.

Amicable divorce does not, however, mean it was easy or without pain. It was painful and incredibly difficult. In weaving through the psychological journey, I was faced with certain truths I had buried for years. The greatest realization, or admission, was both my ex-husband and I knew before our wedding day (for me specifically, three weeks before the day) that we were no longer right for each other.  Yet we both forged on in a life together.

Would I do it all over again?  Yes, if that was the only way to get to right now. My ex and I did ultimately have a few good years. He has been and continues to be an involved and present father. And I can still call him a supportive friend. Most importantly, that partnership resulted in the boys who give me more joy and life purpose than anything else possibly could.

Love
After the divorce, ask me if I would marry again and you would have gotten a heartfelt, “Oh, hellllll no.” Why would I? Been there, done that. I don’t want more kids, I have family and friends for company and I enjoy being alone. But I have loved again since then. I learned that while some relationships don’t work out, they were still good relationships to have. I learned that you can love someone, but they may not be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I learned to listen to my inner voice/feelings, though sometimes they are telling me things I don’t want to or am ready to hear.

Most valuable lesson I learned from relationships post-divorce is that, there is an undeniable desire/need to love someone and be loved. As much as I enjoy being completely independent, everything feels brighter and burdens feel lighter when you are sharing life with someone you love. Would I marry again? My standard is set pretty high [poor fella], but yes, with the right man, I would.

Career
My idea of career success after graduation was simple: I will have a “fancy” job [didn’t have a clue what], have my own office [because I will have an important job], an assistant [I will be that busy], I’ll be traveling for work and have my own cell phone [this was early/mid 90s, cell phone was a big deal]. Within two years I had all of that while working at a major entertainment studio. I reached my definition of success, yet I felt like “didn’t I just start?”

It took a few more years to fully realize that success was never going to be about the title I had or position I held, but how I feel about what I am doing. Since then, my career has been a series of continued learning and growth. I have chosen jobs based on what experience I will gain/learn and whether or not my work will have an impact on others [versus just checking things off a to-do list].

Now, mid-life looking forward, I turn my focus on purpose. How can I continue to grow? How can I affect more people positively? Or make more people smile/laugh? I am starting on this journey now…

Aging
Oh, aging… [sigh…] Here I am, mid-40’s, yet internally feeling like a better version of my 20-something self. There are many things I don’t like about getting older. I can do without the perpetual carry-on bags under my eyes. It’s frustrating and overwhelming that everything needs to be moisturized…everything: face, hands, body, heels, eyes [extra cream around those eyes!].

Vanity has taken a hit. But I also know that I have earned each and every wrinkle and laugh line. If I see a terrible picture, I remind myself that 10 years from now, I will look at that same picture and admire my youthful glow. So f*ck it. I won’t wait 10 years to appreciate today’s version of me, I’ll appreciate it now.

Would I trade who I am today for the woman I was when I was younger? Absolutely not. Physically and emotionally, there is a certain I-don’t-give-a-fuck’ness that you just can’t have as a young person facing life before you. It is only after I have truly lived all the glories and challenges of ‘real life’ that I have been able to wholehearted embrace and appreciate it.

high 5 to mid-life!
My life has been a detour to right now. The journey has had it’s ups and downs, and at times it was downright tragic. Sometimes I was lost, very lost. But overall it’s been an incredible journey because it brought me to right now. And this is not a bad place to be. I share my life with two amazing and fun boys. I have loving and supportive family and friends. I have a good job that affords me the ability to indulge in life experiences. My aging body has not hindered my youthful spirit. And I’m hopeful that I will love again.

h5 to life!

Thoughts or comments? Would love to hear from you here!