worst online date
Photo by Oleg Golubev on Unsplash
June 12, 2015
One summer years ago, about a week before 4th of July, I had a date that still has me shaking my head and asking, “What..the f*ck?”
It was six months after my marriage ended and I felt ready to start dating. By dating, I did not mean finding a long term, meaningful relationship. It was about validation and fun. Am I desirable? Do men find me attractive? And can I still…well.. have fun? To keep my validation fun separate from the rest of my life, I turned to online dating. There would be much to learn.
Fast forward to too much time spent on an online dating site and after exchanging a few witty messages with James*, I arrived at a champagne bar. I saw a gentleman sitting at the bar with his back to the room, looking at his phone. I guessed it might be James.
If you were to put a soundtrack to my walk towards that bar, it would be a soft, beautiful strings arrangement in sync with my confident, graceful strides. After all, this man wanted to meet me. As I got closer to James, and it was James, and as he turned around, you would hear that melodic music interrupted by the terrible record-needle-scratching-to-a-halt noise.
Quick assessment and my internal voice went something like, “OH. He looks much older than his picture… those skinny jeans are too tight and wow…that shirt is really tucked in tight into those jeans. Oh…but nice smile. Seems friendly and harmless. Not sure about fun potential, let’s see…”
While there was no instant romantic or lustful chemistry with James, conversation was easy and he had a good sense of humor. Historically, I have a weakness (or blind spot?) for a man with a good sense of humor. So we engaged in the verbal dance of getting to know each other: how our day went, what our jobs entailed, online dating stories, blah..blah. He seemed like a nice guy, but generally I thought “nah.”
Then our champagne arrived.
I’m a lightweight. After a glass and a half of champagne, while wearing the rose colored, alcohol glasses, James became wittier and more attractive. I agreed to a second date.
Two weeks and many texts and a few phone calls later, I arrived first at the restaurant that James and I agreed on for dinner. When we were seated, he put his phone down on the table and a text popped up on his phone. As he reached to turn the phone over, I thought I saw a picture of a guy on his lock screen. Our server interrupted my internal confusion over what I may or may not have seen.
Overall the dinner was ok. Conversation was fine, but no real sparks. BUT, at some point, I decided to invite James over to my place, because hey…from what I knew about him, he seemed like a safe guy to have some fun with. To help with any potential guilt over my game plan, I insisted on paying for dinner. He was unemployed and starting a new job the following week. It was the least I could do.
James was happy to accept my nightcap invitation. I gave him my address, which he entered into his phone GPS and again, I see that girl/guy (?) on his screen.
Upon arrival at my house, while I went to get him a drink, James laid down on the sofa with a big groan and, “OMG, my back has been killing me all day! I need a good stretch!” Not a minute into my house and he's laying on my sofa?
Then, outside, we heard two very loud *BOOM!* *BOOM!* They sounded like gun shots. We were one week from 4th of July and historically in my neighborhood we start hearing random fireworks around this time.
James bolted upright on the sofa, terrified. I tried to reassure him the noise was just fireworks. He was wide eyed and insisted, “No. Those were gun shots.” He sat paralyzed with fear. There was no convincing him otherwise.
James reached for his phone [to call for help?] and I see his lock screen, again.
“So…who is the guy on your phone?” I finally had to ask. I’m on a date with a man who has a picture of, I think, another man on his lock screen. I really couldn’t think of an answer that would make me think, “Oh. Cool. Let’s make out.”
“Ohh.. that’s Henry*, my best friend from college.” OMG, it IS a guy! “Everyone used to call us Simon and Garfunkel during college," he said with a chuckle, momentarily distracted from the possible violence outside.
“You guys must be tight” since you have him on your lock screen! “When was the last time you guys hung out?”
“I haven’t seen him in years. Not sure what he's up to.” WHAT?!?
“It’s been a long day for both of us. Let’s call it a night.” I mustered. Between his back pain, fear of fireworks ["gun shots" to him] and questionable choice of lock screen photo, there would be no fun to be had.
I gently ushered James towards the front door. He stood there muttering mock headlines, “James shot dead in quiet Los Angeles neighborhood.” He was not making any motion to open the door. I could almost see the vision in his head of being shot while walking to his car.
“Do... you want me to walk you to your car?” I asked, slowly, in disbelief that I’m saying this to a man who is not stumbling drunk, disabled or a senior.
“Yes, if you don’t mind.” WTF?!?
This wonderful date concluded with my walking James from my front door to his car, parked across the street. I walked back to my house, alone, at risk of being killed by stray bullets. Thankfully, I survived.
h5 to dodging bullets!
*not their real namesThoughts or comments? Would love to hear from you here!