5 things you should not say to a friend going through a divorce
Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash
**published in Medium on 10/12/19**
9 years. 28 divorces.
In the nine years since my divorce, I have known 28 people who have experienced their own journey through divorce. Based on these numbers, it is likely that within the next year, three people in your life will make the decision to end their marriage.
Everyone processes divorce differently. Some people rely heavily on close family and friends for support, guidance and even much needed distractions. Others retreat while they wade through their emotional rumble. Still others, except for the legal paperwork, move on mostly unscathed.
As a supportive friend, it will be natural to want to weigh in, to help and offer advice. Based on my experience and those of 28 others who have navigated the rocky terrains of divorce, there are 5 comments most found to be counterproductive and generally annoying.
1. Don’t do it
No one can fully understand what has led to the crushing decision to divorce, except the person IN that relationship. Just because a couple looked good together or seemed happy does not make anyone else an expert in their relationship. To question their decision as if it were made callously and can easily be reversed without repercussions is frustrating, insulting and contributes nothing to easing the pain your friend may already be feeling.
Friends with kids were advised to stay together for the kids. If children are involved, it is a safe bet they have probably stayed together longer than they wanted…for the kids. My kids were 9 and 6 years old when their father and I divorced. The kids were for the most part, one of the main reasons we stayed together “working on it” for over five years. We both became better co-parents and friends after the divorce, and the kids ultimately gained happier parents who were not living life shrouded in a cloak of misery.
The decision to divorce takes courage and strength. Trust and support your friend’s decision.
2. What happened?
When you first hear of a friend’s divorce, sometimes the news will be a validation of what is already known or observed about their marriage. Other times, it may be a complete shock and surprise. You may even go through your own grieving process and it will be natural to wonder what happened. Be ok with not knowing.
Marriages may end due to specific reasons like infidelity or extreme squandering of shared finances. Most of the time, it is not just one thing or the fault of one person. It is complicated to experience and even more complicated to explain without getting very deep into the topic. Your friend may not be ready to talk about it, if ever.
“I kept my divorce a secret because I didn’t want to talk about it,” said one friend. “I just wanted a break from it all and have a normal conversation,” said another.
If your friend is openly sharing and discussing their experience, be a supportive listener. Otherwise, sometimes the best way to support someone going through a difficult time is to just be with them in the present moment.
3. I never liked them anyway
There may have been a good time to share your disdain towards a friend’s partner. Perhaps the appropriate time would have been while they were dating or before their relationship became serious. But bad mouthing your friend’s soon-to-be ex-spouse, while they are in the throws of unraveling their life, is not… that… time. Hearing your true feelings about someone your friend once loved enough to marry, only adds insult to injury.
Everyone has different ways of coping. I have known friends who were the first to start slinging mud at their ex, because that was part of their process. It was never an open invitation for me to launch into full blown ex-bashing. They wanted to feel heard. So I listened.
4. Screw them up! Or any version of financial or legal advice on how to proceed.
“Take her for all she’s got!” a friend was advised.
“We can take him down,” an attorney was advised by her peers.
These comments come with good intention and the fighting instinct to protect our loved ones. But not everyone wants a fight. Parents pointed out, for example, their soon-to-be ex “is still the mother/father of my children.” Any screwing up of their life will have a direct impact on their children. Others valued the inner peace associated with moving on far more than a long knockout fight about finances.
The end of any relationship is painful enough. In divorce, there is the added legal processes to learn and navigate. Unsolicited financial or legal advice may add more confusion or potentially misguide someone who is already overwhelmed. Rather than dispensing your novice advice, it may be more helpful and less intrusive to offer referrals to mediators or attorneys.
5. Move on, start dating
This advice implies that the best way to move on from the end of a serious relationship is to “get out there” and start dating again. Usually coupled with “you’ll find someone better,” this assumes that only when your friend has found someone else will they have completely moved on.
Your friend has just turned their world upside down. They need time to grieve, process and adjust to their new normal. They will be rediscovering themselves as individuals. The last thing they may want is to complicate their transition by starting to date before they are ready.
What CAN you say?
Whether you consider your friend’s decision to divorce a good or bad one, recognize that action requires strength. Validate their courage for taking a difficult step. Be the friend you have always been before news of the divorce. While one aspect of their life is in chaos, they need stability where they can find it. Maybe that is in their work, self-care or the monthly dinner where they don’t feel pressured to talk about their unfolding divorce.
Don’t disappear in an effort to give them space. Ask them, “What do you need from me to feel supported?” Follow their lead.
Most importantly, reassure them that…
“Everything is going to be ok.”
h5 to supporting friends!
Thoughts or comments? Would love to hear from you here!